


The Requirements of Grace

by BrennanSpeaks



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Atheism, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Judaism, Spiritual, Theology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:02:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27991950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrennanSpeaks/pseuds/BrennanSpeaks
Summary: At the farm, Ellie can't sleep and can't move on.  She and Dina talk about forgiveness - what it is, and what it isn't.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	The Requirements of Grace

Dina wakes to the feel of a sharp kick against the inside of her ribs. She curls her arm around the wide expanse of her stomach and rubs gently until the kid stops moving. She can feel the imprint of a small hand pressing up against her abdomen. She lays her palm against it. Just a couple more weeks until those tiny fingers and toes can move to their very own basinet. She can't wait.

She opens her eyes and knows immediately what woke the little one. It's an absence - a warmth that should be beside her but isn't. A trickle of cold air creeps in from the empty space on Ellie's side of the bed.

She sits up, stuffs her feet into slippers, and wraps a thick bathrobe around her shoulders. Ellie is standing over by the open window, staring out into the night. Her hands are on the sill and she seems not to notice the cold air tugging at her tee shirt. As Dina approaches, though, she turns her head and starts to close the window.

"Sorry."

"It's okay." Dina steps close behind her and catches her hands. Squeezes. "My personal space heater is keeping me warm." She bumps her lightly in the back with the globe of her stomach. That draws just the slightest half smile from Ellie. Dina wraps her arms around her carefully and rests her cheek on the other woman's shoulder. "Still can't sleep?"

She shakes her head. Her hands come up and rest softly over Dina's, like bird wings.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Another shake, but after a moment, Ellie sighs. "I'm not getting better. Am I?"

Dina kisses her neck. "You've got to give it time." 

She can feel the bones of Ellie's spine, locked in a straight line. There's something hard and unyielding there, even as she tries to lean back into Dina's embrace. Her hands move again, this time coming up to brace on either side of the window frame. It's as though half of her wants to just slip away into the cold, even as the other half clings desperately to the anchor Dina offers.

Outside, the moon glints and glows, casting a ghostly pallor over the first snowfall of the year. The empty fields and half-repaired barn are blanketed in white. Dina was worried Ellie might get worse again, when the snows came.

"Do you think I should forgive her?" Ellie's voice is distant. There's no emotion in it. She sounds like a ghost herself. "I mean, do you think it would help?"

Dina squeezes her around the waist. She can count her ribs, but each hard curve is a reminder that she's still here. "Did Maria tell you that?"

"Yeah."

Dina closes her eyes. "She's trying to help. It's probably something she heard in church."

"Well, maybe the church types have it figured out. I sure as hell don't."

She laces her fingers through Ellie's. "I don't think anybody has it figured out."

Ellie pulls away and turns to face her. She leans back against the windowsill. The moonlight casts her face into shadow. "Did . . . did you forgive the people who killed your sister?"

Dina twines their fingers together again, trying to be an anchor. "No. She wouldn't have wanted me to."

"Because you'd be betraying her. If you did, I mean."

" _No_. Because . . . it wasn't my place to forgive."

"She was religious, wasn't she? Aren't most religions pretty big on forgiveness?"

"It's different in Judaism." Dina stares at their interlocked hands. "It's about . . . _seeking_ forgiveness, not just handing it out. And, the person who committed the sin has to take the first step." She looks up into Ellie's face. "Did Abby ever . . . say or do _anything_ that made you think she wanted your forgiveness? That she was sorry?"

Ellie shakes her head, wordlessly.

"Then, it's on her. Until someone repents - until they really try to make it right, not just say the right things - then they can't be forgiven. Otherwise, it just . . . cheapens it."

Ellie draws a slow, rattling breath. "I don't think I could. Even if she asked. But, at the same time, I . . . want to? Because I don't want to just keep on carrying this. And nothing else has helped."

"It's not a magic spell." Dina takes her by the shoulders. "Think about it? What would you be forgiving her for? Your arm?"

Ellie snorts and shakes her head. "I was trying to kill her. In her place, I would've done the same thing."

"For Joel, then."

She nods and Dina swallows hard.

"You can't."

Ellie looks up at her, startled. "Not ever?"

She shakes her head sadly. "In Judaism . . . forgiveness can only be granted by the victim of the crime. That's not you, even if it feels like it is. She hurt _Joel_ , and no one else can forgive on his behalf."

Ellie stares down at the floor. Her breaths are coming slow and measured. Her eyes are dry. Dina can't remember the last time she cried. "So, what do you do? If the person is dead? Murdered?"

Dina brushes Ellie's hair out of her face. "You grieve. You try to do good, in their name."

Ellie catches Dina's hand in hers. She shakes her head. "What does _the murderer_ do? What, are they just . . . a lost cause?"

Dina closes her eyes. Of course. This isn't just about Joel and Abby. It's about Nora. Owen. Mel. All of them. "You try to make amends, as much as you can. You repent. And in the end, God's the only one who can judge whether you've done enough - whether you're forgiven."

Ellie sighs and looks away. There's a grim half-smile twisting her face. "God. Figured we'd get there, sooner or later."

"Hey." Dina takes her head between her hands and presses their foreheads together. "That's the thing. 'God' doesn't have to mean some white-haired dude in the sky. You can look for God in you." She opens her eyes, leans forward, and kisses Ellie softly on the lips. "You can forgive yourself. When you've repented. When you've done everything you can. You can be free."

Ellie rests her hands on Dina's wrists. She can't seem to decide if she wants to hold her close or push her away. "I want to. I _do_. But, then I think . . . what if _she's_ out there just moving on, too? Feeling better about herself and just . . . forgetting that it happened?"

"You don't control her. What she does, what she feels, it's all between her and her conscience. All you can do is live your own life."

She turns away. The moonlight glows over half her face, leaving the rest still in shadow. "I . . . I never forgave Joel. It was the one thing he wanted from me, and . . . I wanted it, too. But, every time I tried, I would think about . . . just, the enormity of it all. And, it was too much."

"You can't forgive on behalf of someone else," she says again, "Much less, the whole world. But, you can _let go_. You don't have to be angry forever."

She nods. She's starting to pull away, but Dina can't let her go.

"Ellie . . ." She grips her tight and pulls her into another kiss. When they part, she stares up at her. "I _love_ you. Nothing you've done will ever change that." Ellie swallows and nods. Dina cups her cheek. "It's okay. To love him."

Ellie leans down and kisses her once, slow and deep. Too soon, she's pulling away. "I'm . . . I'm gonna go check the trap lines. You should get some rest."

Dina wants to cling to her, but she knows it would be like trying to hold water in her fist. The moment, whatever it was, is over. Ellie slips from the room, moving like she's got the weight of the world on her shoulders. Dina stares after her for as long as she can, just hoping she's said the right things. She was never much of a believer, whatever she might have told Talia. To some extent, they're all just making this up as they go along. But, there is something . . . deeply human about the search for grace. For redemption. She hopes Ellie can find that.

She hopes it will be enough.

_fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback and concrit are very much welcomed.
> 
> As a disclaimer, I don't come from the Jewish tradition myself, so while this fic is carefully researched, I apologize for any inaccuracies I've presented. Dina is intended here to show a woman searching for meaning for herself and her loved ones, not as a perfect microphone for a particular religion's beliefs.


End file.
